Shaddup Already!
2008-01-26
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Things at work are continuing to go freakishly well. I have now gotten a compliment from the head of the reading department for the entire district. In addition to that, my principal put on my last evaluation that I wasn't allowed to leave the school as long as she was principal. I love that kind of job security. And considering she is the best principal I've ever worked with, I have no desire to leave. Unless I somehow become independently wealthy.On a not so nice side, my mom has to have a heart catheterization on Monday. She is very worried, while I can't seem to put a finger on my emotions. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom, but there is a good bit of anger there too. She has been a heavy smoker since she was 18. That's almost 50 years. She never seems to be able to connect her smoking to things going wrong within her and the family as a whole. It's frustrating and infuriating.
I can remember my mom not letting me go outside because we found out the extent of my allergies. The whole time she was telling me this, she was puffing away on a cigarrette. I have no doubts that my abundance of allergies and asthma stem from her smoking while pregnant with me. Not to mention the years I had to live with it second hand.
My dad has been in and out of the hospital with COPD. After each visit, he quits smoking, but can't handle abstaining with my mom puffing away. I don't blame my mom for my dad's relapses in smoking, but it sure doesn't help to have someone so actively undermining your efforts. Believe me, she does undermine his efforts. I don't think she'd believe me if she heard me say that, though. Her denial is so flippin' deep.
This whole issue with her heart is coming at a time when I'm beginning the realize the depth of her legacy that is in me. Since I've moved away, I've been able to see many, many ways in which she has influenced me. It's scary because the women in my family just don't age well. We also don't recognize when we're not aging well. It has happened in each generation as far back as my great-great grandmother. It probably happened even further back than that, but there is no living witness to attest to it.
So I love my mom, I don't want anything bad to happen to her, but I'm angry that much of what she is going through right now is stuff she has brought on herself. Including the knee replacement she is supposed to have on Tuesday, if her heart cath goes well. She didn't ruin her knees through hard athleticism, it was through obesity and inactivity.
I guess I should be grateful for all this because I am more motivated than ever to change my sedentary and obese ways.
On that note, let me brag a bit. I have officially broken my caffeine habit. I went 23 days without (enough time to break a habit) and now I only have caffeine once a week, if even that. Right now I'm working on a much more difficult addiction--fast food. I'm on day 5 of no fast food. This will be harder to stick with because it means I now have to cook. I need to start figuring out things that I can bring to school with me so I'm not driving home famished.
As much as I would like to drop a lot of weight all at once, my intention is to go very slowly, making changes in a way that I know I can keep up with a new lifestyle. I know diets don't work for me, they just lead me to binge. So I've got to change. There are habits I want to change, so that makes it easier, but not necessarily easy.
Okay, The Graham Norton Effect is coming on and I must go and laugh myself silly. For those who like inappropriate humor and have BBC America, I HIGHLY reccommend this show. Seriously, you'll laugh out loud.
