Shaddup Already!
2005-11-20
I'm fine
Thanks for worrying about me Hiss and Jo. I really appreciate your concern :o)I'm fine, really.
Fucked up
Insecure
Neurotic
Emotional.
I'll be okay, I'm just going through a rough spot with my depression. I feel like I say nothing right, do nothing right and am falling apart. I do my best to put on a happy front in school and then I have nothing left over for everything else.
I've never really been happy in my own skin, but that seems amplified lately. My team teachers are beginning to feel like a family and now we're grating on each other's nerves as only families can. It's sad, but I've never felt like I fit in my own family 100%. And now I have another family to wonder if they really want me there.
I chalk up all this crap to the changes lately. I haven't fully dealt with Cami leaving. To top that off, our team leader/math teacher left to work at another school that is closer to his home. I really miss his dry sense of humor and the ability to thin out the estrogen with us women-folk.
I'm dealing with this in my typical depression fashion--by getting paranoid and withdrawing. If I could quit my job right now, I would. It isn't that I don't enjoy teaching, it's that my depressive mind is telling me that I don't want to do anything at all.
I am the eternal optimist, so I know I just need to bide my time until I hit another plateau and things even out. I know it will come and probably soon.
So for those of you who are concerned about me, I appreciate it and I know I will be okay soon.
For now I'll just settle for being fine.
To prove it, I'll relay the embarrassing day a week ago:
I have taught my kids the hamburger style of speech writing. The intro and conclusion are the top and bottom buns and the hamburger fillings are the topics. This particular speech could only have three main points.
A sweet, innocent, angelic looking child raised her hand to ask a question:
B: Ms. B, can we put more than three things on our hamburger?
Me: No, you can't put more than three things between your buns.
Since I'm famous for saying things that seemed completely appropriate in my mind, but come out in the complete opposite, I have perfected the non-reaction. I'm really good at it and generally the kids never catch on to the funny slip.
It didn't work this time.
Primarily because I have C in this class. He is typical class clown and very bright. He wasn't about to miss something like bun advice. Oy.
After class C wanted to tell me a joke. I really wanted him to leave at that point. I enjoy the kid more than he will know, but it is definitely draining to spend a whole class trying to focus his energy in an appropriate manner. Anyway, I figured the quickest way to get C out of the room was to let him tell me the joke. Of course there were about 4 other students waiting to talk to me at this time.
C:How does a turtle with no arms and no legs cross the freeway?
Here's a hint, take the "f" out of free and the "f" out of way.
Me: (thinking, wanting to point out that turtles don't have arms, then something clicks) There is no f in way!
C! How could you make me say that in front of other kids?!? That's not right!
If you haven't gotten the joke yet, say "there is no f in way" out loud. Yep, it's a good joke, just not school appropriate.
