Shaddup Already!
2005-07-23
Not feeling good
I'm really having a tough time lately. I feel like I have too much on my emotional plate right now and I don't know where to turn.Certainly, PMS is playing a role here, but it hasn't been this bad for a while, so I know it's the stress of a few situations too.
The whole curriculum thing has me dreading work now. I was excited and optimistic about the upcoming school year, but now I don't know where to turn or what to do. This whole mess isn't in the best interest of the students, nor the teachers who actually want to do their job with passion and love.
Basically, if I wanted to be told how to teach, I would work somewhere with a canned curriculum like Sylvan. But I want to use my creative energies and create exciting lessons that teach specific skill sets. Skill sets that I don't know what they are. I also want my kids prepared to go into 7th grade. It's been three years that I've been asking about vertical curriculum. I'm tired of it. Seriously.
So I will have to go speak to my principal, but I don't know what I'll say or if I will be able to maintain my composure. When I get nervous and have to confront a superior, I cry. Not exactly what you want to do in a professional setting.
Also, every time I have said something to a higher up about this garbage, I have been treated like I was an inferior teacher for not automatically knowing the answers. Mostly this came from administrators whose classroom backgrounds were from areas that had vertical planning. I'm sure they just don't understand.
______________________________________________________________________________
The next area of stress is my service dog in training, Cami. I feel like I must turn her in ASAP or I will not be able to. Trust me, I don't want to give her up. I'm even trying to come up with scenarios in which they will allow me to keep her. However, I know that she needs to be given the chance to be what she was meant to be.
I have to go to a training session tomorrow at a local mall. I'm not looking forward to it because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what I will say, if I say something. And I'm afraid I won't say anything at all.
I feel horrible for pushing them to give me a turn in date because it seems like I don't want her. That couldn't be further from the truth. However, I must have some closure on this so I can get on with my life.
I cannot go on training a service dog because my schedule is too hectic. I've told them I won't be taking another one until I end up at a school that will allow me to bring a dog in training to work with me. Otherwise it is just too hard to get in the hours required.
Then there is the whole issue of a crate and money. I could spend the money on Cami as a pet dog, but the money that is becoming required for a service dog is just too much. I also need to have the bigger crate for Atticus. If I knew I was keeping Cami forever, I would go buy another big crate. But that isn't likely, so I need to have the crate she is using. Atty is growing like a weed and will soon outgrow his puppy crate.
I'm also going for National Board Certification this year. This is a year long process that is extremely time consuming and stressful. Again, this doesn't leave time for service dog training.
On the academic level, on an impersonal level, I feel like I am more than justified in asking that they take her back ASAP. I mean I signed up for 6 months of training and that was 14 months ago. I've been more than accomodating, mostly because I didn't want Cami shuttled from house to house. I still don't. When she leaves, I want her to go to advanced training and then get paired up.
That leads to my hesitation in talking with them about it. I'm afraid they will get tired of me asking when and they will just tell me to give her to them at that time. I need to give my family, especially my young nephews, a chance to say goodbye.
So in an ideal situation (next to the most ideal in which I get to keep her), I would be given a date. I don't see it happening.
I just want the training session to be over with. I just want an answer and I want to be able to start dealing with whatever emotions I need to deal with. I cannot handle hanging out in limbo.
