Shaddup Already!


You're back! "What about my back?"

So I went to see my certified nurse practitioner (CNP) today about my back. She gave me a script for vicodin and a referral for an MRI>

CNP: Have you had an MRI on your back?

Me: Not in a long, long time.

CNP: Well, let's schedule one.

Me: Okay, but it either needs to be an open MRI or you need to medicate me heavily.

CNP: We'll send you to an open MRI.

Me: Can I have the medicine anyway? I'm having a party Saturday night.

(I didn't really say that.)

Me: Am I going to come back in after the MRI? I'm going to need more Mobic for next month.

CNP: That depends on what the MRI says. (stops to look at my past visits) You're supposed to come in for a PAP smear with CNP #2. Schedule that.

Me: Okay (thinking: uh-uh, I ain't doing that, I'll figure some way out of it)

Okay, before you all who have some concern for me flood my comments with admonitions about going to get a yearly check-up whether I need it or not, I just want to say "I know." Honest, I know I should do it. I beat myself up all the time about how I need to go to the doctor. I just can't get myself there.

Ever since I was in middle school and had major health problems that meant I went from doctor to doctor I can't stand going to the doctor. Every doctor I went to wanted to repeat a blood test or abdominal screening that required copious amounts of barium to be ingested through one orifice or another. Seriously, how much can you put a kid through before they start getting phobic.

Then I had to have a pelvic exam and it was horrible. I was tense, so it hurt and then the doctor yelled at me to relax. Oh, that's effective. Then I had to have another pelvic exam in the emergency room. They wanted a urine sample and to do the pelvic. They used a catheter for the urine, but left me with an overfull bladder anyway. Then the doctor started pushing on my belly, asking, "Does this hurt?"

I kept saying, "It hurts because I have to pee."

He didn't quite seem to make the connection and he yelled at me.

So now I have a sliding scale of doctor badness. The more clothing one has to take off, the worse it is. The only exception to that is the dentist. He stopped making me take my clothes off a few visits ago. I still consider him high on my list of medical professionals I don't want to see.

So, the eye doctor is great, the foot doctor is okay, anyone coming at me with a speculum is the devil incarnate.

Anyway, back to my story. I came home and called my mom to see if she would get my prescription filled because it hurts to sit for any length of time. Right at this moment, in the time it's taken me to write this, I am ready to have my leg amputated.

My mom is under the impression that I'm still a very incapable, young child. I have a lot of intolerances to medication. My mom thinks I don't know this.

Mom: What did they give you?

Me: Vicodin

Mom: Can you take that?

Me: I don't know, I've never taken it before.

Mom: Oh.

Me: I talked to the CNP about it and she said if I couldn't take the vicodin, she would call in for a script for darvocet.

Mom: Have you taken that before?

Me: Yes.

Mom: When can you take the vicodin?

Me: Whenever I get it.

Mom: So you don't have to wait for something else to wear off first?

Me: No

Mom: Okay, I'll go get it.

Me: Thank you.

My mom apparently knows nothing about the psychotic, patient-bitch I've become. I'm terribly anal about getting all the facts about a medication. I make sure they know what I'm taking and any new drug isn't in the same class as a medicine I couldn't tolerate. Then I come home and check on the computer for interactions and side effects. I wait until I don't have to work the next day. If the medicine doesn't specifically say to take on an empty stomach, I eat much more than is even close to necessary for buffering. Then I grab the phone and dial 9-1 and then I take the medication. I've been known to call someone and make them call me in an hour or two to make sure I'm still alive.

I am not exaggerating, except about dialing the 9-1. That I don't actually do, but I do keep the phone nearby. I've had some pretty scary experiences with medication before. So in addition to my doctor phobia, I also have medication phobia.

I'm gonna go do my research, stretch my hamstring and then lie down on the couch to ponder ponder my distrust of the medical profession

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