Shaddup Already!


Some people just shouldn't procreate

I know reproductive rights are a touchy subject, but let's be real here, some people simply should not have children. I'm one of those people. I understand that. I made the correct choice. Why can't others?

Now I know you're probably thinking, "Well, who is she talking about? What are the criteria for remaining childfree?" So I'll give you an example.

This is a completely hypothetical situation. Yep. Uh-huh. Sure.

Okay, so hypothetically speaking, let's say there are two adults at, oh, I don't know, let's just say Target. Now let's say that they have some kids with them. If that were the end of the example, all would be well and I would give my blessing to this little family.

However, let's say, again completely hypothetically, that there are two kids wandering behind the cart, one kid in front of the cart, one kid in the cart and one kid screeching and bouncing a huge ball erratically towards his happy little family.

Now picture that mom or aunt or whoever the hell it was is just standing with the cart in front of the endcap with sodas on it (coincidentally, exactly where you want to go) staring out with a mindless grin while an innocent shopper almost gets plowed down by these children, not once, not twice, but three times within the space of 3 feet.

Now this hypothetical victim, who we should call, oh, I don't know, Teacherlady, tries the overly polite southern tactic and says, "Excuse me" in the nicest, most ingratiating voice she can muster. This causes our hypothetical adult #1 to look at Teacherlady as if she had three heads and was suggesting that the children be strapped to the floor with duct tape and run over by the train of shopping carts that were just brought in from the parking lot. Then she turns to the child in the cart and says,

"At least I can still tickle you. My tickler isn't broken, is it? We don't drink soda. Nope! It's Gatorade for us!"

Well, Hell, I wouldn't give those hypothetical kids sugar of any kind.

At any rate, let's just say that this group was reunited with grandma or mom #2 or something. At which our hypothetical victim breathes a sigh of relief because there is now hope of at least one responsible adult.

However, this hope is dashed as these minions of evil and their hypothetical leaders cart them through the candy aisles with ear shattering screeching and that damned ball bouncing completely out of control.

Now, again, we're talking a hypothetical situation. Although, if you can relate to the hypothetical mom in any way, shape or form, please do the world a favor, get yourself sterilized.

Of course, if you choose to ignore my advice, there is always duct tape and shopping carts.

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