Shaddup Already!
2005-01-22
Stuff
Okay, Chuck E. Cheese changed it's tomato sauce, so they are no longer the best pizza in the world. Sorry, Chuck.What a surreal experience something like Chuck E. Cheese is. What if someone landed from another planet and went to a Chuck E. Cheese and assumed that was all there is to human life and culture? I do believe we have the makings of a movie here, folks.
Okay, so my epiphany. See, for a long time I have been asking myself what the root of my problems are. In a very Oprah-esque manner I was trying to figure out what reward there was to me being overweight. I could never come up with anything. There didn't seem to be an answer to the question in any self-help books or journaling I might have done.
So last night, while I was resting my cried out eyes, I was thinking. I came up with what it is. I think it's a fear of not being accepted or liked for who I am. I have always felt socially inept and never totally accepted into the mainstream. I perpetually feel as though I'm on the outside looking in.
I know some of this is truth and some of it is my whacked perception. However, the truth is, I don't feel like I belong anywhere. And now I can blame it on being fat.
That does NOT negate everything I said about people being biased against obesity or the misconceptions people have about me. I still believe that fully. It still bothers me on a very human level where my belief of treating others with respect and dignity lives.
But that said, it is easier to accept that no one really wants me in their group because I'm fat, not because I have some character defect.
Now this isn't the reason I put on weight. I know that for certain. I put on weight because I had two years of tortuous surgeries followed by times of extreme boredom and extreme pain and I didn't have the ability to be physically active. That is what put the weight on. These feelings of inadequacy are what keep the weight on.
I know that I'm overweight because I eat more calories than I burn off, blah, blah, blah. But I also know that there is a pyschological reason behind my eating.
I'm pretty jazzed about discovering this about myself because now I can work on it.
I can also take a closer look at what it is about me that makes people not want to include me. There are some factors from my adolescence that prompted me to put up some pretty formidable walls. My rational self believes that its these walls that are showing themselves and keeping other people from getting close to me. My emotional self has other thoughts :o)
