Shaddup Already!


Happy Blah, blah, blah

So, um, Happy New Year. Even though I detest the holiday, I want to wish you all love, happiness and luck in 2005.

The animals and I just finished eating our black-eyed peas . This is a southern tradition that is said to bring luck in the coming year. It is the one tradition that I have followed for as long as I can remember. I will probably follow it until the day I die.

I think this stems from the fervent manner in which my mother would insist that eat "at least a spoonful" every new year's day. I didn't like them when I was younger. So my mother did something she seldom did, she forcefed me a type of food.

She would chase me around the kitchen shouting about luck and how I simply HAD to take some of these little bean like creatures. It was as though she thought if I didn't eat them, I would be run down by a semi-truck the next time I walked anywhere near our little-known, seldom traveled and oft-forgotten road in our subdivision.

So now I eat them still. The only difference is that I actually like them. I also give some to my animals each year. I finally have cats that will indulge me and eat 'em. Yay! Lucky cats.

According to southern New Year's tradition, you're supposed to eat greens to bring wealth.

I've never wanted money badly enough to eat greens.


There isn't enough money in the world.

My neighbor called me today, from the hospital. She is elderly and has COPD . She also isn't shy about asking for favors.

So she calls me today to ask me to remove her newspapers from her driveway and peek in a window to check on her dog and housemate. More specifically, to see if the housemate is caring for the dog or not.

She took in this boarder who, it turns out, has some pretty serious issues. For starters, he's bi-polar He seeks treatment for it erratically. Usually about the time she is ready to kick him out, he is ready to go to the doctor. He is also a drug and alcohol addict.

I found this out because she called me for a favor once. She said something like, "I've called the police on dipshit, can you come get his bearded dragon off the porch for me?"

Now if I only had a dime for every time someone has asked me to remove a bearded dragon.

Anyway, I knew she was nervous and wanted someone there, so I headed on over. It turns out that dipshit had locked himself in the bathroom and wouldn't answer my neighbor. He lives upstairs, she can't climb stairs, so she panicked.

After the police left and the paramedics took dipshit to the hospital I went and got his dragon off the porch and carried it upstairs. I now have a new vision in my mind each time I look at dipshit.

I had to walk across the room to the dragon's tank and couldn't help but notice a semi-circle of pornography around a corner of his room. Now I'm not porn-squeamish, I've been known to look at some myself. However, this was the disgusting, I want to vomit, kind of porn. You know the magazines like, "Hot Asian Babies Who Were Just Weaned Yesterday and Now Eat Only Cum."

I have a pretty vivid imagination, so it didn't take much for me to get a mental picture of him sitting in his semi-circle of iniquity wanking away while imbibing crank (as I overheard the cop say). Oy. Thems some brain pictures I didn't need.

Okay, so back to the matter at hand. She wanted me to get her newspapers, which according to here were piling up to massive heights in her driveway. This means someone will certainly break in and steal porn magazines while she is in the hospital because we all know when the newspapers pile up, the porn is unguarded.

She also suggested that I look in the window to see if her car was in the garage.

I asked what she wanted me to do with the newspapers and she said, "I don't care, read them, throw them away, shove them up dipshit's ass." Again with the porn.

So I walked across my cul-de-sac and notice that, indeed, the papers had piled up. Two whole days' worth.

We have a neighborhood watch program in my area, so I was wary of being seen as a newspaper thief. I walked stealthily, glanced around me, hefted all two newspapers up (thank goodness, one of those days wasn't Sunday) and hauled ass back to my house. I glanced furtively around as I made my way through the neighborhood-watching cul-de-sac, anticipating being arrested on petty theft media charges at a moment's notice. I hadn't even eaten my black-eyed peas yet.

Thankfully I made it back to my house and dropped the newspapers in my entry hall. I never did look in the window. I suppose I'll have to dress in all black and sneak back over tonight.

Thank goodness for the black-eyed peas, I have luck on my side now.

My new ritual of a dream tree went very nicely last night. Here is my tree, Devon.

Yes, I named my tree, it makes it easier to talk to. The tree also has a decidedly male spirit, so it's a him. Don't ask me how I know, some things just seem either male or female.

Yeah, I know, I'm a freak.

Have a great New Year all!

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