Shaddup Already!
2004-07-17
Will work for ahysterectomy
Despite the fact that I'm a man , I have got incredibly bad cramps. In fact, they're so bad that I can feel them in my toenails--of my numb foot.I'm considering drastic measures. I might go on the street and peddle for surgical intervention. I know back alley hysterectomies aren't safe, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
I have always resented the fact that my parents didn't have me spayed at 6 months old. What, they don't love me as much as their dog?!?
I'm about to reach up there and pull my uterus out by myself. It couldn't be more painful than this.
Oh yeah, humor a whiney-butt and name the damned sloth! _______________________________________
I just did some research on the web and came up with this really helpful advice.
Ibuprofen and naproxen sodium are common over-the-counter medications that can help relieve menstrual cramps. I thinkpercocet would serve me better. Why did I get rid of all that old medicine from my surgery. Damn!
A heating pad or hot water bottle may also make you feel better. The only way a hot water bottle could help me is if I had it over my head so I passed out from lack of oxygen. Or I could go beat men about the head and shoulders--it is their fault, after all.
Other measures to reduce or prevent cramps include:
Walk or exercise regularly, including pelvic rocking exercises. I don't want to move to breathe and now I'm supposed to exercise?!? And what is this with pelvic rocking? Are they trying to rub in the fact that I'm frickin' single. Screw them! They're probably all men anyway.
Follow a diet rich in complex carbohydrates, like whole grains, fruits, and vegetables -- but low in salt, sugar, alcohol, and caffeine. Okay, so now they want to take away my soda and chocolate. Unwise advice. Definitely from a man!
Practice relaxation techniques like meditation or yoga. Yeah, I think I'll go think pretty thoughts and breathe deeply while I have a frickin' knife stuck in my uterus. Right.
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Later in the morning. . .
Okay, so the cramps are gone. However, there is a much more disturbing menstrual side-effect that I just wasn't prepared to deal with. Apparently with the influx of estrogen, I have become domestic. I have been cleaning with a vengence ever since I dropped the dog off for her bath. Not only have I been cleaning, I've felt good about it.
My only hope is that this will go the way of the cramps. Maybe I ought to lie down until the urge to clean has passed.
