Shaddup Already!
2004-07-15
I'm a man
Don't forget the "name the sloth" competition!I have had the startling discovery that I am a man. I'm not sure how this discovery came about, but I think it has something to do with my dishes and laundry.
See, I'm a slob. I told myself several days ago that I was no longer going to leave dirty dishes in the sink and clean dishes in the dishwasher. I was going to unload clean dishes immediately (no more pulling dishes out of the dishwasher as needed) and I was going to rinse and load my dishes as I dirtied them. In addition to this, I was no longer going to leave clean, dry clothes in the clothesdryer. Instead of wearing wrinkled clothing, I was going to immediately hang up all the clothes, not just the ones I wanted to wear at that moment.
So now I sit about 5 days later with a sink full of dirty dishes and a dryer full of clothes. This in itself doesn't make me a man, but I started looking at the dishes in the sink and thinking, "Isn't that what sinks are for? Dirty dish storage."
From speaking to my women friends, I know that this kind of thought is blasphemy. I should be ashamed of myself. So I started looking around and noticed that men don't seem to care about dishes in the sink. And men seem to live on a take it out as you need it basis. So what else could I assume, I am a man.
To further this argument, I got in the mood to clean this morning and I washed my CAR. Isn't that what men do? I've never met a man who goes, "Hmmm, I feel like cleaning, I think I'll vacuum today." I'm not saying men don't do it, I'm just saying they don't suddenly get a compulsion to do it. Nor do I. So I must be a man.
The only problem with this theory is that I am attracted to men. So I guess I'm a homosexual man. But if that is the case, why don't I have better fashion sense? I'm so confused.
Now I have looked at my obviously female friends and thought they had man qualities. Like Susan, she is a problem solver. It's a general rule that women like to vent and men like to solve problems. That's why men and women argue so much after a bad day.
I had a conversation with Susan once that went like this:
Me: You are such a man.
Susan: *looking at me like I have three heads and damn well better start explaining myself*
Me: You're always into solving problems, that's a male trait. Women tend to just want to vent.
Susan: And that bothers you? Look, how can we solve this problem?
Me: You are such a man!
So maybe all women have one male trait? Would that make us more receptive to boys, even though they have cooties? Such difficult questions in life.
Signed,
TeacherLady-um-Man-um-Lady-oh-forget-it
