Shaddup Already!


blah, blah, blah

Okay, this summer has been way too short. Seriously, I'm not ready to go back to work. I know this feeling is in large part to PMS like I haven't experienced in years.

Basically, I either want to cry all the time or I feel like the world is out to get me. I haven't had paranoia for a while with PMS, so it was a little surprising. The last time I got the paranoia really bad I was in community college. I was working at a rotisserie chicken restaurant before rotisserie chicken was the way to go. My boss put up a "help wanted" sign and I was convinced he was going to replace me. He didn't, but I did quit shortly after because serving food just ain't for me.

Anyway, school starts soon, but I go back to work next week. I'm doing curriculum writing for our character education program. If only they knew about my *ahem* test results, right dangerspouse?

I like the people I'm working with and I'm getting paid pretty well for it, but I really don't want to get out of bed.

I'm dreading this school year because (of PMS and) we are going to have more than 2100 students. Most "big" middle schools have about 1400 students. A lot of middle schools have around 800-1000 students. Are you sensing the problem here?

Not only are we way overcrowded, but the majority of our students live in the ghetto. Now, we are talking about a suburban ghetto, not a big city ghetto, but the problems are similar. The biggest problem being parents that either don't care or don't know what to do.

I know I'm a teacher, so I'm solely responsible for the success or failure of any student that I teach for even just a week (just ask one of the illustrious Bush Brothers, they'll tell you the same), but when I see a huge difference in students because of parental involvement, it makes me think that maybe I'm not the only factor in the equation. So maybe, if we are going to adopt the No Child Left Behind (don't let the name fool you, it only counts for low income schools getting federal assistance) then we need to get some parents doing some parenting. I know, it's an extreme thought.

You know, I decided not to have children a while ago. I didn't make that decision because I didn't want to go through the pain of childbirth or I don't like children in general. I made that decision because I didn't have the heart to be the kind of parent every child deserves. What really pisses me off, is that in our society, we are taught to consider not having children more than we are taught to consider having children. In other words, I have thought more about NOT having children than most parents have thought about having them. Most parents I have said that to, agree with me wholeheartedly.

When I was like 25 years old and I said I didn't want to have kids someone would always say, "You're young, you'll change your mind." But when I was 16 and I said I wanted to have a big family someday, everyone was saying how wonderful it was. So how was I old enough at 16 to make a decision to have children, but at 25 I was too young to make an important decision like not having children? That is just wrong. Just so there are no misconceptions, I have never had children, it was just my teenage plan to have about 6 kids by the time I was 30. I'm glad I outgrew that!

So back to school. We also have a new principal. He seems pretty cool, but I dread change. So many teachers have left, as is common during a principal changeover. I just wonder what the school will be like.

I've also had a floater in my room for the past two years. That means during my plan period another teacher comes in and uses my room to teach in. It's a big pain for floaters who don't have their own rooms, but it's also a pain for the teacher whose room is floated into. I couldn't ever do anything that required me to be in my room, which meant early mornings or late afternoons.

So, anyway, I got this notice from the principal about our pre-plan schedule and he listed everyone's rooms and who was floating. He didn't list who was having a teacher float into their room, we won't know that until pre-plan. So I'm reading this and realizing that E, from my previous post, is a floater again this year. I am crossing my fingers that she won't float into my room.

I am just now getting comfortable with my no-diet stance and I don't know how I would react with her Hitler-like diet tactics and her need to tell everyone how to eat and what they should look like--whether they ask or not. I'm also not really wanting to deal with her preconceptions.

In addition to working on my inner self, I'm also working on accepting my outer self. When I look at pictures of me when I was thinner (before my foot was numb *grin*) I think I was pretty cute. But when I look in the mirror now, I can't see it.

What is sad is I have always felt that way. When I was a child I can remember thinking how ugly I was. I don't know where that came from and I was really an adorable child, but I had it in my craw that I was ugly. So I looked back and went, "Oh, I was adorable." When I was in high school I thought I was hideous, but when I looked back at pictures it was like, "Oh, I was kind of cute, not gorgeous, not drop-dead model hot, but cute." Now I feel pretty hideous, but sometimes I'll look at a picture like this:

and I'll think that I'm not so bad. Then I make a comment about how I look and someone confirms for me that I'm hideous.

Now I have a suspicion that this is because I'm overweight. Generally because some negative comment is generally followed by a "when you lose weight" comment that is much more positive. I'm tired of that, though. Why can't I be attractive now.

Frankly, right now, sitting in front of a computer with my thoughts and myself, I'm pretty beautiful. It's just when I'm faced with the mirror that I become ugly.

I know I'm a good person. Why can't I just accept my face as the face of a good person who should be loved?

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