Shaddup Already!


Here's a little story

Okay, so perhaps ladyro was right when she left me the following note, "Hon, we're ALL basket cases to some degree or else why in the great Wide, Wide World of Sports would we be writing for all the world to see...and for *free* mind you?" See I have a story that I want to get off my ample chest (anyone want an extra cup size or two?) and I want it to be public. I have thought about writing this in my own pen and paper journal, but then who would read it?

See I was doing curriculum writing at the beginning of summer break. So I'm walking out with my group of English teachers and this SLD teacher, E, walks up. She says something along the lines of "K, pilates on Saturday."

So I get all excited because I have wanted to learn pilates, but have been unable to find a class locally. So I ask if she teaches pilates and E says she does. She starts bragging about the level she can teach at. Blah, blah, blah.

So I say to her, "You know, I've wanted to learn pilates for a while now, but I couldn't find an instructor."

E gets the look of a deer caught in headlights and goes, "Oh really?"

So I leave it with, "Can you get me some information?"

A few minutes later, I'm getting in my car and a skinny friend, N, is in the car to my immediate left and E is in the car to N's immediate left. As all three of us are approaching our cars, E says to N, "You really need to sign up for my pilates class, it's great, give me your phone number."

Okay, so I'm over there waving my hands frantically, going, "When the hell did I turn invisible?" And I climb into my car with a little bit of hurt and a lot of anger. There is nothing I can say to myself that explains this behavior, except for the obvious plus-sizedness of my body. So on the car ride home I do some positive self-talk, it's E's loss, she's just shallow and so on.

The next day at work, I brought my service dog in training with me (you can read about Cami at teacherlady). Apparently E really likes dogs because she is all over Cami. And apparently the antidote to invisibility is a dog, who knew?

Suddenly, E has all the time in the world to discuss my problems with me. She wants me to start pilates, but I would be better off doing some personal training with her first to get some weight off. I need to meet with her twice a week for personal training at $30 a pop and then once a week for pilates at $15 a week. Ah, yeah, my last power bill was $75 and I could barely pay it. I just want to take fricken pilates.

So I walk off and have some time to consider this and I get a little angry, again. Then, while we're eating lunch, E comes and sits down with me, N, and K (who is a client of E's). And she asks K what her goals are.

Now I'm pissed. She asked K what her goals were and she assumed my goal was to lose weight. Why? Because fat people aren't worth the time of day, apparently, unless they have a dog with them. I started thinking about other things she said to me and realized she was making a ton of assumptions about me and that is one thing that just pisses me off entirely.

Okay, I'm fat, so I'm lazy, lack willpower and am completely unattractive. People shouldn't want to give me the time of day because the "fat" might rub off. I need to be treated like I have the plague because I so obviously lack the inner strength to be permitted to live in this world with people like E. My only goal in life should be to lose weight at any cost because, in the body I'm in now, I'm worthless.

No, you shouldn't bother to ask why I'm overweight. No, you shouldn't bother to get to know me because I'm not worth it until I lost weight. You should just sit there in your skinny clothes and pass judgement on the world.

You can see this angered me greatly *grin*. I'm so proud that it made me angry. It hurt, but I was more angry than hurt and that says a lot about the progress I've made.

I also thought back to E and realized this person talks constantly about food and exercise. Mental health-wise, I think I'm a bit healthier than her. I wouldn't trade places with her for the world, but I would like to be there when she can no longer maintain the ridiculously high standards she has set for herself. But then again, I don't want to be there because I think it would be the end of E. I don't think she could handle the "failure."

The good side to all this is I realized that people like me a lot more than they like E. I had a lot of supporters, including K, who had just about had it with E's bully tactics in personal training.

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