Shaddup Already!
2004-07-08
I've been wanting to write this forever
Okay, I have composed this entry in my mind at least a thousand times. I have so much I want to say and then I sit at a keyboard and it leaves me. So I'll just start typing. I wanted to talk a little bit about where I am in life right now.I'm a fairly large person. I've finally come to terms with this and am (usually) no longer deluded into believing I'm still a size 8. What I'm working on now is accepting who I am.
I'm not going to lie and say I'm one of those people who is happy in their plus size body. I'm not. I have spent the last 10 years of my life obsessing over how to get it smaller. The only thing that has happened is I've gotten bigger. It saddens and amuses me to think that I would be thrilled to be the weight I was when I first felt really fat. I can't understand how people would tell me I was overweight back then, when I really wasn't. So I wasn't a size negative 5, screw it!
Okay, so I'm not happy in my body, but I'm trying to become that. I do want to lose weight, but I have quit trying. I'm not a quitter, but I do have some serious issues with food. I have been beating myself up, berating myself and feeling like a complete failure because I put on some weight.
When I take a step back and look from an objective point of view, I can see how strong I really am. I went through some pretty bad stuff (as we all do) and I coped. Maybe I didn't do it in the most healthy way, but I survived. That says a lot. I could have turned down a different road so many times. If I had, I wonder if I would be alive today. That's something, and if I can step away from my negative self-image for a microsecond, it's something I'm proud of.
I am doing so much better now than I was a few months ago and I know the reason why. I have committed to a no-diet lifestyle. I will feed my body what it wants, when it wants it and I will try my best to honor the inner signals. However, if I overeat or eat because I'm bored or whatever, I will NOT beat myself up. I won't even think about it more than trying to figure out what caused me to eat. Once I recognize why I want to eat, I can make an informed decision about whether to actually eat or not. And if I decide to eat even though I'm not hungry, that's okay.
So now, since school has gotten out, I have increasingly moved away from my obsessive thoughts about food. If I want ice cream for breakfast, that's what I have and I move on. There is no "good" food or "bad" food. It's only food. My body knows what's best for me and I just need to learn to listen to it again.
I was doing this well at the end of last summer too, but then I allowed myself to be sucked into the diet mentality at school. Everyone is on a diet in the world, it seems. If you say, "I don't diet," and you weigh what I weigh, people make snap judgements. And, as much as I hate it, those judgements hurt.
So I started listening to the diets people were on. I started listening to the congratulatory comments about weight loss. I started listening to people judging whether their entire day was good or bad based on what they had eaten. And I didn't find it ridiculous.
Now that I'm further away from that talk, it is ridiculous. I don't want the quality of my life based on what I eat or don't eat. That's a very narrow life and it isn't what I want. I also look back at the obsession these diets caused. The only reason the talk always centered around diets is simply because dieters are obsessed. That's not healthy.
Now I'm not going to tell someone not to diet, but this school year, you're going see a much more proactive teacherlady. I mean, if I have to eat alone in my portable because of the diet talk, I will. I'm pretty introverted anyway and I usually prefer to be alone. I will tell the people why I'm leaving and then leave it in their hands. If they stop talking about diets around me, I'll stay, but if they don't, I'll leave. It sounds like an ultimatum, but it's really me setting boundaries. I don't have the popularity to make a credible threat. People like me okay at work, but they don't HAVE to have me in their lives. I feel the same about them.
So, right now, my goal is to like me. All of me, including the extra fat. I'm not perfect, I'm not all good, but I'm good enough. I live my spiritual beliefs to the best of my ability and I give back to the world around me. I can be snippy, but I recognize and own my snippiness. I'm sarcastic and blunt at times, but I'm also sensitive and caring. I never want to hurt someone else and I feel horrible when I do hurt them. I'm a talented artist, an enthusiastic teacher, a great friend (if not a little snippy at times *grin*), a good daughter, a great sister and an excellent aunt. My family loves me because of what I am, not in spite of what I'm not. I need to love me for what I am, even when I look in a mirror. I will NOT judge myself through other people's eyes. I will continue to say that phrase until I believe it. Once I believe it, it will become true.
